Falling from Grace

A day after I said that I could never return to a state where I was in danger of going to hell, I do so. I felt my guardian angel and a host of other celestial beings trying to prevent me from sinning, but it wasn't enough to keep me in grace.

So I gave into lust finally, with full knowledge and consent. At least I could know what state I was in. It didn't give me any peace though. It just made me feel like garbage. I could feel God leave me and the build up of grace for the past 2 months leaving my body. All the torture that I was subjected to seemed to be for nothing.

I don't know whether the treasure of my past good deeds was still in heaven or if it was just thrown in the garbage can. I know that if you do a good work out of grace, then it doesn't give you any supernatural merit.

I spent two days trying not to do any more mortal sins, but was falling like a rock into the world of darkness. I was so starved for God's love that I looked at women lustfully online. I didn't look at websites that specifically are meant to bring out lustful thoughts, but just a regular dating site.

Someone also wrote to me from a website that is an aspiring model. I looked at her lustfully and then a sadness enveloped me. What was I doing? I didn't want to hurt myself or others. I tried so hard to achieve chastity and now I was just throwing it all away for a couple days of unfulfilling gratification.

I wrote her an email. I told her how sad it made me that she was using her body as an object and that all these people were looking at her lustfully. She is a temple of the holy spirit and her body is sacred. I told her that there were still good men out there in the world, but she wouldn't be able to find them until she dressed like a person and not an object. I gave her my real email and said I couldn't ever go back to the page again.

She emailed me back a couple of days later to my surprise. She said that no guy has ever said that to her before. She was sorry that she was showing her body off to the world and told me that she would never dress that way again.

I couldn't believe the effect of my email on her. A simple act of love converted her. The email wasn't more than a half a page. It showed a sample of true love though. I wanted her to stop hurting herself and leading others to hell. I wanted her to go to heaven and I desired nothing in return for a nice email. It wasn't a pick up email or anything. Her response made me very happy.

I've been tempted no less than 10 times from the picture of her that keeps popping into my head as I type this out. I have a bottle of holy water by my computer to help me with my temptations and for scattering the devil.

St. Theresa of Avila said that holy water drives out the devil and makes it so he doesn't return. It makes me wonder how accurate she is, or how much of it is really the devil and not just my own psychological inclinations.

Back to the time zone of this letter. My sister's wedding is this saturday. May 12, 2007 and I have to be there at 2:30 or something. That means I have to go to confession in the morning at 8:30. Waking up that early isn't easy for me, but I have to do it, so I will.