My Sister's Wedding Day

I went to bed at 2, but had to get up at 8 to drive to confession. When I get there I see my soon to be brother in law and a blonde girl in front of him. It was my sister. They were going to confession on their wedding day. I felt that there was nothing more beautiful to prepare for their wedding than confession. My sister goes into the confessional, then goes out and prays, then leaves while her fiance is still in confession.

I then see my sister walk back into the church and get in line behind me. I ask her what she's doing. I thought she was being scrupulous and felt she needed to go to confession again because she missed a sin. It turned out that the other girl that just left wasn't my sister.

My sister and her fiance both went to confession at the same time without telling each other. Up to this point I felt that my sister had been forcing her fiance to do religious things. Him going to confession by himself really gave me a lot of respect for him in the religious area.

I looked at my sister and couldn't stop smiling. She looked beautiful in a way I never noticed before. She was going to get married and forever become one with another person. She wouldn't be the same person again and would be under the care of her husband.

I didn't have money to give her for her wedding present and I didn't feel that it was a good present. I feel that money is a one time event gift and marriage is a lifetime. I gave her a card that stated my intentions. I would fast from something for the rest of my life, or at least the rest of their marriage. I gave up soda forever. My favorite food item. It's an item that will become a memory and then a dream. It gives me a certain excitement and delirium at the same moment. It feels like something died. I can never have it back. A loss with no hope. I'm glad to give the sacrifice for my sister, for such a once in a lifetime event.

Falling from Grace

A day after I said that I could never return to a state where I was in danger of going to hell, I do so. I felt my guardian angel and a host of other celestial beings trying to prevent me from sinning, but it wasn't enough to keep me in grace.

So I gave into lust finally, with full knowledge and consent. At least I could know what state I was in. It didn't give me any peace though. It just made me feel like garbage. I could feel God leave me and the build up of grace for the past 2 months leaving my body. All the torture that I was subjected to seemed to be for nothing.

I don't know whether the treasure of my past good deeds was still in heaven or if it was just thrown in the garbage can. I know that if you do a good work out of grace, then it doesn't give you any supernatural merit.

I spent two days trying not to do any more mortal sins, but was falling like a rock into the world of darkness. I was so starved for God's love that I looked at women lustfully online. I didn't look at websites that specifically are meant to bring out lustful thoughts, but just a regular dating site.

Someone also wrote to me from a website that is an aspiring model. I looked at her lustfully and then a sadness enveloped me. What was I doing? I didn't want to hurt myself or others. I tried so hard to achieve chastity and now I was just throwing it all away for a couple days of unfulfilling gratification.

I wrote her an email. I told her how sad it made me that she was using her body as an object and that all these people were looking at her lustfully. She is a temple of the holy spirit and her body is sacred. I told her that there were still good men out there in the world, but she wouldn't be able to find them until she dressed like a person and not an object. I gave her my real email and said I couldn't ever go back to the page again.

She emailed me back a couple of days later to my surprise. She said that no guy has ever said that to her before. She was sorry that she was showing her body off to the world and told me that she would never dress that way again.

I couldn't believe the effect of my email on her. A simple act of love converted her. The email wasn't more than a half a page. It showed a sample of true love though. I wanted her to stop hurting herself and leading others to hell. I wanted her to go to heaven and I desired nothing in return for a nice email. It wasn't a pick up email or anything. Her response made me very happy.

I've been tempted no less than 10 times from the picture of her that keeps popping into my head as I type this out. I have a bottle of holy water by my computer to help me with my temptations and for scattering the devil.

St. Theresa of Avila said that holy water drives out the devil and makes it so he doesn't return. It makes me wonder how accurate she is, or how much of it is really the devil and not just my own psychological inclinations.

Back to the time zone of this letter. My sister's wedding is this saturday. May 12, 2007 and I have to be there at 2:30 or something. That means I have to go to confession in the morning at 8:30. Waking up that early isn't easy for me, but I have to do it, so I will.

My Life Right Now

I rarely tell people what is really going on in my life. They ask me what I do everyday and I don't know what to tell them. I'll tell you right now about my day.

I woke up at 9 am, but decided that I had nothing to do so I went back to sleep. My main problems are laziness and gluttony. I heard my phone ring to substitute, but I didn't care. I slept until 2 pm, until I felt so horrible from oversleeping that I got out of bed. I think I slept 12 hours.

I thought about certain women that I would like to go out with. I didn't try to think of them in a lustful way, but I worried that I was trying to, so I felt like I committed a mortal sin, but I wasn't sure

I was planning to apply for a job and get water, but I only went to get water. I try to go to the chapel everyday for 45 minutes. I try to go for an hour, but it always turns into 45 minutes.

I didn't get to apply for a job, but I got water and I was so obsessed with trying to figure out if I sinned or not that I couldn't make conversation with anyone I can in contact with. The girl at the water store was dressed immodestly, so I was trying to block the thought out of my mind the whole time. She must have thought that I was ridiculously shy.

How could I talk to someone, when I'm in such a state. I felt that if I wasn't resisting the thought, then I was consenting to lust, and giving in to a mortal sin. What would you chose? A conversation or your soul? I can't afford to go back to my grace and ungrace cycle. I have to read everyday at Mass, not to mention my life before was horrible.

So I didn't have time to get a job application. I went home and then went to the chapel. I love to see the nuns. I love praying to the Blessed Eucharist. I felt hot and was in so much turmoil though. I was wondering if I was entering the dark night of the soul. I couldn't make a connection to God through meditative prayer. I never decided for sure if I was in mortal sin, so I declared ipso facto.

By the very fact that I wasn't sure if I had a mortal sin, meant that I didn't have one. I don't like falling back on that, but I needed to.

I started to pray the rosary. I saw my friend walk in and his girlfriend. I was tempted because she was wearing shorts. I also felt bad that I looked to see who it was because I was supposed to be focused on Jesus, who was exposed. It felt like I worshipped people instead of God, but I wasn't paranoid about that being a mortal sin.

I prayed 3 decades of the sorrowful mystery and left to my car. I drove to Mass and saw my friends in the distance. I made a comment, but they didn't hear me. I saw some people walk into church and was tempted again. I tried to push the thought out before the time limit was up and it was a mortal sin.

I went and sat in the front row. I couldn't reconcile with God whether I was in a state of Grace. My mind was so off track. The Mass started and during the Kyrie, I was afraid that I was trying to confess a mortal sin, or if I admitted to confessing sins, then it meant I was in a mortal sin and couldn't receive communion or proclaim the Word of God without being a hypocrite.

I went up there and read. I did a good job, except when it was time to sing the alleluia, I forgot what I usually did and sang a different version accidentally. I felt so embarrased and didn't recover until the gospel reading was over. I listened to the sermon and participated in Mass with a distracted mind.

It was now time for Communion and I felt subjected to obedience. I thought about St. Faustina and how she wasn't sure if she should get Communion. I felt that God would be sad if I didn't receive Him, because He loves when people receive Him with love and humility. I was certainly not in a proud state.

I got communion and it healed me. My bad day went away and I returned to the supernatural bliss that usually accompanies me in Mass and Adoration. Mass is the high point of my day. I don't see how people that love God don't go everyday, especially the people that love God more than me. It doesn't make sense to me. I can't not go.

I met the priest afterward and he said I looked familiar. We talked for a little bit. I'm happy when priests recognize me. It makes me feel like Jesus recognizes me. I know Jesus a little bit. Well, if God is infinite, then there is infinite to know about Him, so that would make me know 0%. Not fair.

I watched some tv and was tempted by normal people and clothing. Then I drank a liter of coke and had some chips and raisins. I still feel like I could be in sin. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

My History and What is scrupulousness

I'm a religious scrupulous. It's an obsession over whether you have sinned or not. I think that non sins are mortal sins. Venial sins are mortal sins and mortal sins are mortal sins, obviously.

It is particularly torturous in the sexual realm. Every temptation that enters my mind, I feel is or could be a mortal sin. The worst aspect of this condition is that I don't know. If I knew I had a mortal sin, then I could just relax and go to confession.

If I didn't have a mortal sin, I could continue going to church and pray. I go to church to receive the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus. It's a wonderful experience, but often can be scary. I don't want to receive Jesus unworthily. To do so is a sacrilege, to be responsible for Jesus' death. To poison my soul. Not fun.

I first got this when I started going to Daily Mass, when I was a senior in High school. About 5 years ago. At first it wasn't bad, then over the years it started getting worse and worse. I felt that I needed to go to confession every month, then every other week, then every week. Then I went twice a week, then 2-4 times a week.

Sometimes I would give up and not even try anymore for a couple weeks. I would indulge in lustful affairs. It sort of felt like eating 5 pounds of gummi worms. You induldge so much that you feel like utter garbage.

I jumped around from priest to priest because I didn't want them to know who I was or my sad pattern. I was so afraid of getting spiritual help. I didn't want to speak to a priest face to face. I was too ashamed. I felt I would be judged. I thought I could just learn everything about the commmandments myself and not need a priest to help me.

I was terribly wrong. I would spend hours before and after confession sometimes just reading ewtn questions to see if I could find an answer. I felt like I messed up in confession and made it invalid. It has severely affected my life and dealing with people, especially with women.

I still have some tendencies, but after I went to Fr. Faricy, a priest that leads healing Masses, I feel that I was cured. He said someone with scrupulousness was healed. Maybe it's a gradual healing and I'll be healed completely in a couple weeks or months.