My Life Right Now

I rarely tell people what is really going on in my life. They ask me what I do everyday and I don't know what to tell them. I'll tell you right now about my day.

I woke up at 9 am, but decided that I had nothing to do so I went back to sleep. My main problems are laziness and gluttony. I heard my phone ring to substitute, but I didn't care. I slept until 2 pm, until I felt so horrible from oversleeping that I got out of bed. I think I slept 12 hours.

I thought about certain women that I would like to go out with. I didn't try to think of them in a lustful way, but I worried that I was trying to, so I felt like I committed a mortal sin, but I wasn't sure

I was planning to apply for a job and get water, but I only went to get water. I try to go to the chapel everyday for 45 minutes. I try to go for an hour, but it always turns into 45 minutes.

I didn't get to apply for a job, but I got water and I was so obsessed with trying to figure out if I sinned or not that I couldn't make conversation with anyone I can in contact with. The girl at the water store was dressed immodestly, so I was trying to block the thought out of my mind the whole time. She must have thought that I was ridiculously shy.

How could I talk to someone, when I'm in such a state. I felt that if I wasn't resisting the thought, then I was consenting to lust, and giving in to a mortal sin. What would you chose? A conversation or your soul? I can't afford to go back to my grace and ungrace cycle. I have to read everyday at Mass, not to mention my life before was horrible.

So I didn't have time to get a job application. I went home and then went to the chapel. I love to see the nuns. I love praying to the Blessed Eucharist. I felt hot and was in so much turmoil though. I was wondering if I was entering the dark night of the soul. I couldn't make a connection to God through meditative prayer. I never decided for sure if I was in mortal sin, so I declared ipso facto.

By the very fact that I wasn't sure if I had a mortal sin, meant that I didn't have one. I don't like falling back on that, but I needed to.

I started to pray the rosary. I saw my friend walk in and his girlfriend. I was tempted because she was wearing shorts. I also felt bad that I looked to see who it was because I was supposed to be focused on Jesus, who was exposed. It felt like I worshipped people instead of God, but I wasn't paranoid about that being a mortal sin.

I prayed 3 decades of the sorrowful mystery and left to my car. I drove to Mass and saw my friends in the distance. I made a comment, but they didn't hear me. I saw some people walk into church and was tempted again. I tried to push the thought out before the time limit was up and it was a mortal sin.

I went and sat in the front row. I couldn't reconcile with God whether I was in a state of Grace. My mind was so off track. The Mass started and during the Kyrie, I was afraid that I was trying to confess a mortal sin, or if I admitted to confessing sins, then it meant I was in a mortal sin and couldn't receive communion or proclaim the Word of God without being a hypocrite.

I went up there and read. I did a good job, except when it was time to sing the alleluia, I forgot what I usually did and sang a different version accidentally. I felt so embarrased and didn't recover until the gospel reading was over. I listened to the sermon and participated in Mass with a distracted mind.

It was now time for Communion and I felt subjected to obedience. I thought about St. Faustina and how she wasn't sure if she should get Communion. I felt that God would be sad if I didn't receive Him, because He loves when people receive Him with love and humility. I was certainly not in a proud state.

I got communion and it healed me. My bad day went away and I returned to the supernatural bliss that usually accompanies me in Mass and Adoration. Mass is the high point of my day. I don't see how people that love God don't go everyday, especially the people that love God more than me. It doesn't make sense to me. I can't not go.

I met the priest afterward and he said I looked familiar. We talked for a little bit. I'm happy when priests recognize me. It makes me feel like Jesus recognizes me. I know Jesus a little bit. Well, if God is infinite, then there is infinite to know about Him, so that would make me know 0%. Not fair.

I watched some tv and was tempted by normal people and clothing. Then I drank a liter of coke and had some chips and raisins. I still feel like I could be in sin. We'll see how tomorrow goes.