My History and What is scrupulousness

I'm a religious scrupulous. It's an obsession over whether you have sinned or not. I think that non sins are mortal sins. Venial sins are mortal sins and mortal sins are mortal sins, obviously.

It is particularly torturous in the sexual realm. Every temptation that enters my mind, I feel is or could be a mortal sin. The worst aspect of this condition is that I don't know. If I knew I had a mortal sin, then I could just relax and go to confession.

If I didn't have a mortal sin, I could continue going to church and pray. I go to church to receive the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus. It's a wonderful experience, but often can be scary. I don't want to receive Jesus unworthily. To do so is a sacrilege, to be responsible for Jesus' death. To poison my soul. Not fun.

I first got this when I started going to Daily Mass, when I was a senior in High school. About 5 years ago. At first it wasn't bad, then over the years it started getting worse and worse. I felt that I needed to go to confession every month, then every other week, then every week. Then I went twice a week, then 2-4 times a week.

Sometimes I would give up and not even try anymore for a couple weeks. I would indulge in lustful affairs. It sort of felt like eating 5 pounds of gummi worms. You induldge so much that you feel like utter garbage.

I jumped around from priest to priest because I didn't want them to know who I was or my sad pattern. I was so afraid of getting spiritual help. I didn't want to speak to a priest face to face. I was too ashamed. I felt I would be judged. I thought I could just learn everything about the commmandments myself and not need a priest to help me.

I was terribly wrong. I would spend hours before and after confession sometimes just reading ewtn questions to see if I could find an answer. I felt like I messed up in confession and made it invalid. It has severely affected my life and dealing with people, especially with women.

I still have some tendencies, but after I went to Fr. Faricy, a priest that leads healing Masses, I feel that I was cured. He said someone with scrupulousness was healed. Maybe it's a gradual healing and I'll be healed completely in a couple weeks or months.